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It turns out that dead people's souls go to a small shed in Scotland, where an elderly man compresses and ferments them to make the best microbrew ever.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Dante Aligheri
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I win.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Philip Roth
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Look around you.  Notice everything.  Your seat.  Your computer.  Your snack.  The clothes you wear.  Everything.  Now think: how much of that stuff came from outer space.  Probably none.  That means that every single thing you own, know, or live in was created from raw materials that came from the planet Earth.  The same planet that you stand on.  The same planet that grew all the food you eat, made all the fuel you consume, and without which you would not even exist.

Now think.  If the Earth has given you everything, what have you done for the earth in return?  We all owe this planet big time.  Because it is quite possible for us to use everything the Earth has to offer, and leave it a near barren husk, with land incapable of supporting life, and waters to poisoned to drink or swim in.  We could easily do it, and we are, in degrees.  

To restore a natural, and JUST balance, and in the simply, irrevocable principle of conservation of matter and energy, we are required to give back everything we take from the Earth.  

We OWE the Earth a fuck of a lot.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Philip Roth
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I have nothing to say right now, and I'm willing to bet you don't either.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
I have a screaming, burning contempt for the human race.  
90% of the world's large ocean fish are gone, let me repeat that: GONE because of industrial fishing.  
Known species are going extinct at a rate of one every three hours.  That's 140,000 species every year.  I'd save the life of any one of them over any one specimen of our own fat ignorant populus.
Oil is expected to peak in the next few years, after which putting around in your Suburban will become more expensive than your fucking Suburban cost.
We (the royal "we") are lazy and stupid.  We are willing to sacrifice every other living thing on the planet for our own comfort.  We make tiny, insignificant tweaks to the system: recycling, cap and trade, ooh! a hybrid car, but this really has not stopped anything.  

The truth is that our entire world system is unsustainable.  We cannot continue to keep having all these damn babies.  We cannot continue capitalism, a system that encourages massive, ever-flowing consumption, and fuels corporations which care more about quarterly profits than anything else, living or dead.  We cannot continue to eat exotic foods shipped from around the world in plastic containers.  We cannot continue to live in houses with more rooms than people.*  We cannot continue to throw away 1,500 pounds of garbage every year.

Sound a bit much?  Remember it only sounds like a lot because you happen to live in the fucking richest country on the planet.  Learn some humility and live fucking sustainably, because frankly, right now you would do the planet more good dead than alive.


*A person might need a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a working room.  If you need more than a closet for all your stuff, you probably have too much.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
I found this list in my documents folder, and can't for the life of me recall why I made it.  It's very curious:

a drum roll
a deep depression
a swiss watch
Star and stripes forever
sideburns
limerick
greeting cards
topless dancer
a yak
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
For extra cranberry sauce kick, add one whole lime (no seeds) for eight cups of cranberry.

Pour olive oil and kosher salt on kale and bake it until crispy.  It's like potato chips.

A good sweet potato dish should look and taste like marshmallow pie.

Lentils make a good vegetarian gravy.

The main purpose of bread is to wipe juice off your plate.

Samosas are not girl scout cookies.

You have to be in the right mood for honey wine.

If you use a microwave and a hand blender, you can make a whole pot of mashed potatoes in half an hour.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
I had a dream last night about this evil woman named Carmela Tribune (apparently a journalist) who owned a pair of rapidly evolving robot dogs and effectively killed every superhero on the planet.  The most notable was Superman, whom she tricked into crashing into a train of hydrogen bombs, the resulting explosion of which turned half the planet instantly into cinders.
Though SuperKid (who is a real person in my dream) manages to sneak into her secret warehouse, which used to be the Justice Friends HQ, she discovers him, but not before he releases a number of ablsoutely neurotic heroes from an icy tomb, the most spectacular of which was Monster Ma'am, who turned into a 100-foot tall, rainbow-striped, scaly, tentacled monster with dozens of eyes while screaming, "I am not ugly!  I am not ugly!"  I thought that would be a good time to wake up.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
Donald Duck was originally a chinese character?

The original recipe for Coca-cola was more nutritious than apple cider?

Belgian waffles were invented in Switzerland?

Tigers always have an even number of stripes?

Taco salad was invented in Iowa?

Frogs have no taste buds?

Bacon knots are a traditional southern England pub food?

All fifty states have a landmark named "Dead Man's Bluff"?
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
I wanted to see if I could get any of you to feel guilty even though you haven't done anything.  

That said, if you haven't done anything ever to make you feel guilty, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
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I have absolutely nothing to say to you people.  I'm a real person you know.  I have feeling, quite a lot of them, and I use them slightly less than I should, and you've damaged one of them.  You all know what you did, and you ought to feel ashamed and guilty and sad and mopey and wearing black eyeliner and writing terrible poetry, because that is exactly what you deserve.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
I am in Washington for 24-hour comic day, and am in desperate need of Bristol board.  I have not problem whatsoever relying on printer paper, but that still leaves me with a story to come up with by Saturday.  

I was thinking about something involving a super-genius with ADHD, a band to mouthless marauding angels, a secret cabal of chefs hidden in the garden of Eden, sheep, and of course, the End of the World, told from the point of view of a round-headed jack-of-all-trades.  Themes will include the responsibility of those with power towards those who haven't any, the exact nature of Heaven, why food (especially bread) tastes good, and whether or not humans should be on teh same side as God.

All of this in 24 pages, which I might post here if I actually finish it, and might post solely on my blog, just to piss you fuckers off and make you visit another page to read it.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Jane Austen
  • Playing: no, working
Why don't we all just be nicer to each other?

Admittedly, this probably won't make lot you a lot of money.

But I apologize for lying to you.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Aleister Crowley
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I am twenty-two.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Robert Shea
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Lady and Pamphlets (LaP):  Excuse me, do you believe in God?

Me (Me):  I think you're asking the wrong question.

LaP:  There's only one question.

Me:  Yes.  And that is, "What DO you believe in?"  If I say "God," well, you get the answer you want, and have found a new comrade in arms.  If I say no...

LaP:  ...Then you should take one of these pamphlets.

Me:  No thanks.  Ask the question.

LaP:  OK.  I'll play for a little while.  What do you believe in?

Me:  I believe that I have just tricked you.  We've just managed to peel back an inaccuracy from reality like the skin from an onion.  And lo and behold, there is another layer underneath.  Belief is complicated.

LaP:  oh fuck.

Me:  For example, if I say, I believe in God, what does that mean?  Do I think God is a real, physical entity?  Do I take the Bible word for word?  Are God and Heaven just nebulous forces working the universe like the motor of a vast cosmic machine?  The question (and the quest behind the question) is, "What and Where is God?"

LaP:  God is real, and he's in heaven, and he knows and sees all.

Me:  And Satan is in hell with a legion of demons, tempting mankind.  Yes, I've heard that before, and you can find any number of people who disagree.  I'm one of them.  No.  The one place in the entire universe (not counting the theory of multiple universes) where Gods and Demons inarguably exist is the human mind.

LaP:  Well if you read this pamphlet...

Me:  ...I will be reading interpretations of interpretations of interpretations of possibly holy events that no one alive can remember, and may possibly not even be true.  However, I take it that you think they are true.  Therefore they DO exist, in your mind.  When one can no longer distinguish between the mind and the physical world, one is either insane, or on drugs, not that either of those are a bad thing.

LaP:  I am not on drugs, and I am not crazy!

Me:  I never said you were.  My head personally is swimming with gods and demons, and they affect what I do, being an inherent part of psyche.  But the effect this has on religion...Well, you have to peel back another layer of the onion, you have to question the question to reveal the truth beneath the truth.

LaP:  What the hell are you talking about?

Me:  I mean, when speaking of religion, you can refine the question of, "What do you believe in," to "Do you believe in your own imagination?"  In other words, Is a belief real?

LaP:  What?

Me:  Is a thought of a unicorn a real thought?  Is your idea of Atlantis before it sank different from the idea of your memory of what Atlantis looked like after you imagined it sank?  How is your idea of God different from what God really is?  Can you prove it?

LaP:

Me:  Keep your pamphlet.  Recycle it, and have a nice day.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Robert Shea
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Today, think of all the things trees do for you.  Trees, for example, make fruit, which is something people can't do.  People can just serve you fruit.  Trees make oxygen.  People use oxygen.  Trees provide shelter and shade.  You can't read in the shade of a person.  Not even a roly-poly one.  
Trees never hurt anyone.  And if they did, it was probably a human's fault to begin with.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Robert Shea
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And so it is Earth Day.  And what have you done?  

I think of the planet like a really big apartment, with 6.7 billion roommates.  You live here, so you respect your roommates, and you respect the apartment.  You keep your shit together and you keep things clean.  Now, if some of those roommates want to smoke inside and puke in the tub and leave their dishes in the sink and pile up laundry until it smells and and drink all the OJ and put the carton back, frankly, they can move out.  They don't respect their living arrangement, then they don't deserve to live here.

I will admit, on a certain level, Earth Day is stupid.  Oooh!  One day to feel guilty and recycle and ride a bike.  That, in a word, is horseshit.  Screw that. Reserve living well and protecting your ONLY home to one day?  No.

No.  

EVERY day is Earth Day.  It's not that hard.  It requires a little sacrifice, but if you are not willing to do the minimum, then, as I said, you can leave, either by taking a rocket up to the space station (see if they let you litter and waste electricity) or by killing yourself, in which case we can use your corpse for worm food, and you can finally do this planet some goddamn good.

I say, we make every day Earth Day, and then, once a year, we allow ourselves a fucktard day, during which we eat beef off the side of a cow and drive hummers and set fire to leaf piles and kick homeless people and beat up baby seals.  One day should be enough, because, like vegetarianism, the more you do it (environmentalism) the more it just makes sense, and the less you actually FEEL like living your old way.  It turns out the treehuggers were right all along.  We have to change the way we live, or so help me, I will hunt you down and beat the crap out of you.  No one messes up my apartment and gets away with it.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Watching: An Inconvenient Truth
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It seems obvious, but the best things to eat are plants.  I mean, currently, the Average American eats 222 pounds of meat a year.  That's twice as much as doctors recommend.

But environmentally, meat is ten times more wasteful and destructive than vegetables and fruit.  Think of it.  Most animals are on strict grain diets (for flavor) which, if you think again about the amount of meat we eat, makes for a lot of land going to growing grain for just animals.  Not to mention animals, which, in the quantities that the average industrial farms produce, is vast and toxic.  It's basically poison.

Oh, yes.  There is the obligatory PETA mention of the hideous conditions ALL animals but free range animals undergo before being slaughtered.

Personally, I like meat (I generally stick to poultry and fish, these being greener and healthier than cow and pig), but I try at least once or twice a week to eat completely vegetarian for one day.  Another person suggested simply being a vegetarian until 6 PM.  

These are reasonable requests, not for me, but for the planet that I have to live on.  Unless you're so lazy or so addicted to meat that you wrap a porkchop in bacon and dip it in lard every morning for breakfast, I say, why not?  It is the very, VERY least you could do.

P.S.  Incidentally, if you don't consider this, I will automatically assume that you ARE either an apathetic, greasy lard-ass, or you live in terrible conditions were access to vegetables of any sort is completely non-existent, like the north pole.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Roy Blount Jr.
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Here's a simple idea.  When you're not using your computer (like you are right now), turn it off. Not put it to sleep, actually turn it off.

In someone else's words, here's why:
"A typical PC consumes something like 300 watts. Let's assume that you use your PC for four hours every day, so the other 20 hours it is on would be wasted energy. If electricity costs 10 cents per kilowatt-hour in your area, then that 20 hours represents 60 cents a day. Sixty cents a day adds up to $219 per year.

­It's possible to use the energy-saving features build into modern machines and cut that figure in half. For example, you can have the monitor and hard disk power down automatically when not in use. You'll still be wasting $100 per year. "

The argument for leaving your computer on all the time is that turning it on and off somehow stresses the computer's components. For example, when the CPU chip is running, it can get quite hot, and when you turn the machine off it cools back down. The expansion and contraction from the heat probably has some effect on the solder joints holding the chip in place, and on the micro-fine details on the chip itself. But here are three ways to look at that:

    * If it were a significant problem, then machines would be failing all the time. In fact, hardware is very reliable (software is a whole different story, and there is a lot to be said for rebooting every day).
    * I don't know a single person who leaves the TV on 24 hours a day. TVs contain many of the same components that computers do. TVs certainly have no problems being cycled on and off.
    * Most vendors will sell you a three-year full-replacement warrantee for about $150. If you are worried about it, spend some of the money you are saving by turning your machine off and buy a service contract. Over three years, you come out way ahead!"

Of course, there are those who snort and say: I don't need to worry about energy usage; I don't pay for it.  May be true.  You still are wasting energy during an energy crisis.  At the current time, there is a finite amount of electricity in the world.  90% of our power still comes from things like coal and oil.  Given that, do you think that keeping your computer on all night when you're not using it is the best use of that limited power.  Perhaps it could be going to a research station for scientists to use in their quest for cheap solar panels.  And, obviously, if lazy people continue to waste power so heedlessly, that's that much quicker we'll run out of it.

So, as someone who is required to share this planet with you, I ask, respect it.  If you are going to be away from your computer for more than an hour or two, turn it off.  Yes, it may take a minute or two to boot back up again, but honestly, like you don't have a minute or two.

We all live here together.  We're planetmates.  When you waste electricity, it's like drinking all the OJ and putting the empty carton back in the fridge.  It kind of pisses the rest of us off.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Roy Blount Jr.
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As we when a gun discharge,
Although the bore be ne'er so large,
Before the flame from muzzle burst,
Just at the breech it flashes first;
So from my lord his passion broke,
He farted first, and then he spoke.
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  • Listening to: sound waves
  • Reading: Roy Blount Jr.
  • Playing: no, working